Written on 9 April 2019
It is time for me to hang up my kitchen whites, stained with the many purees and sauces I have painstakingly perfected over a lengthy career.
In my 25 years working in a kitchen I've seen fads come and go, ingredients falling in and out of favour, dishes becoming stale and overdone, as well as levels of personal hygiene from my staff that would surely have the health inspector booting down the back door if they knew about it.
There are a few constants in cooking, though, processes and techniques that will never go out of fashion. And as I retire from my kitchen to pursue my dream of opening a Laser Quest in my native Rotheram, I wanted to leave you with a few of my top tips.
When creating a rub, a baste or a spice mix, always use a pestle and mortar. Though it's a slightly long winded way of doing it, the results speak for themselves. If it helps to motivate you, imagine you are crushing tiny mouse skulls into a fine powder for some sort of bizarre ritual. The number of mouse skulls I've imagined crushing in my time number in the tens of thousands.
Use the sous vide bath sparingly, and only ever for fish. Think about it this way, if whatever you're eating would have been uncomfortable in the water when it was alive, then it's sure as shit uncomfortable in the water when it's dead and butchered.
Limes should only be used to throw at buskers and religious zealots. They are an abortion of a fruit.
Try imagining that you are the diner every time you're making a dish. If they’re a woman, how big is their stomach? If they're a man, how big is their dick? Have they ever been to Rome? That sort of stuff.
If you're roasting something, ensure it doesn't get dried out by spitting on it every 23 minutes. If, like my sous chef, you have a salivary gland problem, then use some butter or cider or something.
Try not to burn your hands.
Butter should go with absolutely cocking everything. It's delicious and flavourful, and though eating in excess might lead to an early grave, it will be worth it.
Venison is an interesting meat, and is versatile and tasty enough to go in just about anything. But, for heaven's sake, don't make a venison burger. Don't do that shit.
Only hire people who are easily scared.
Only get into cooking if you like being hot. I swear to the virgin Mary I have sweat so much out in the last 25 years that I'm amazed I'm not just a raisin-like husk.
So, farewell forever. Thanks for reading, and remember to follow @LZRQSTRoth on Twitter and Instagram.