Written on 2 May 2021
Dearest flatmates
For the sake of argument, let's pretend just for a second that it was me who stole Mikey's turtle.
You have to ask yourself three important questions. When? How? Why?
When? When indeed. Mikey's turtle went missing some time between him leaving for morning lectures and returning for a bowl of super noodles and ketchup at lunch time. I was at Svetlana's studio apartment out by the industrial estate. The many CCTV cameras surrounding her building can likely attest for this, though I hope it hasn't come to that.
After a typically boozy evening I was feeling a little bit horny, so I texted Svetlana, a Russian hairdresser I've occasionally had casual relations with. She agreed that she, too, was horny. I headed straight over. We made 'passion fuck' as Svetlana likes to call it till the early hours. At which point I fell asleep. I awoke at 11.30.
Now, the industrial estate is a 30 minute walk, so it is possible that I stole Mikey's turtle in the 15 minutes between myself returning home and Mikey arriving for his noodle break.
But how? The door was locked, the window shut, and I don't possess any type of tools to remedy either of those issues, and even if I did the idea that someone of my limited capabilities could get in and out, both taking down and putting back up the door, in 15 minutes is laughable. In fact, I went straight for a shower to wash the smell of Russian hairdresser sweat off my person.
And then there's the why. Why would I do this? I have no personal beef with Mikey, in fact we rub along better than most in this house.
Yes, I have been known to worry about that turtle, what with the sheer volume of weed smoked in that room. And I do think Mikey needs to clean out the turtle tank a little more often. But, honestly, I think Mikey loves that thing more than he loves anything, and would do anything to protect it. Why would I want to harm it, or harm mikey?
So, though the evidence I've presented is not conclusive proof I didn't take Mikey's turtle, my hope is that you all look at the facts and realise that it's extremely unlikely that this crime was committed by me.
Yours in faith,
Carl