Written on 18 April 2019
Hebredes Clung and Barbarella Mussels lived in the coastal city of Rye in the 1630's.
Though they were smitten, their relationship would never be blessed by the town elders due to Barbarella's propensity to ruffle feathers, specifically the feathers of Father Bray's prized parrot.
The parrot was a gift from a cardinal who had recently spent time in India spreading the word of Jesus. The Father was very fond of the bird, and would regularly hang the cage in the pulpit during his sermons. The parrot would repeat sporadic lines of scripture after Bray had read it.
This was endearing to most of the congregation, but Barbarella suspected some sort of skullduggery. Whenever she had the chance she would rattle the cage, poke the bird and yell obscenities at it. This led to her excommunication from the church.
Unfortunately, Hebredes was the only son of Barnabas, who just so happened to be the church enforcer. This was a role common at the time, where the biggest, toughest, surliest old boy would dole out the Lord's justice when the priest instructed it, which of course put him in the path of Barbarella.
So, Hebredes and Barbarella went about their affair in secret. They humped in the woods, ploughed in the fields and screwed in the blacksmith's basement.
One day, they cursed the whole affair to damnation.
After a particularly aggressive sermon, Hebredes offered to lock up the church so his father and the priest could go and wrestle in the local inn. No sooner had the congregation left had Hebredes snuck Barbarella into the Father's office.
They did quite extraordinary things to each other, but so overwhelming was their lust that they hadn't noticed the parrot. The parrot had remained uncharacteristically quiet through the whole sordid affair.
But, of course, the parrot snitched on them.
Barbarella and Hebredes were naturally sentenced to death. Barnabas himself did the execution. He built a crude, parrot shaped effigy outside the local church and locked the lovers inside. As the pyre was lit, the lovers decided to have one last bang.
Local legend dictates that on Valentines day every year a grotesque beast appears in the church yard. A singular beast, but one that in appearance looks like two. Two heads melded together. Joined at the groin.
The locals call it the beast with two backs.