Written on 25 March 2019
Keith
Tim's best man just made a joke about my moustache. He called it a muff duster. The wife finds it hilarious. I don't. its all pretty flipping rich coming from someone who, if rumour is to be believed, ruined his trousers due to a sex act.
Still, it could be worse. Tim's other groomsman is currently on his way to either the local lock-up or a hospital.
This flipping generation. I remember my father-in-law making a few choice jokes about my golf handicap, gave me a firm handshake and we were done at our wedding. This isn’t even his speech.
After the meal I've just had, I've made a few choice adjustments to my speech. The boy in jeans is done making fun of me. Let's show these little flipping shins how it's done.
“Thank you for that introduction, Tom, and may I compliment you on your fashion sense? Jeans at a wedding? What is this, Miami Vice? I'm just joking of course. Now, before I talk about my wonderful daughter, I'd like to talk about her new husband.”
Some whoops. When did people start whooping?
“I knew Tim was cheap from the first moment I met him. Katy bought him home to meet us on her mother's birthday. After a rather boozy dinner at home, we decided to decamp to the local for a night camp or four. Tim was suspiciously absent every time the drinks were empty. Who takes work calls at 10pm on a Sunday?”
Laughs, titters. He looks a little annoyed. Ah well.
“Then there was the week we spent together in Turkey. Not just complacent to have the flights and accommodation paid for him, Tim didn't offer to pay for a meal until the final night. Cheese toasties from Pret a manger on the way back from the airport.”
Oh yes. It's about time young Tim.
“When he asked for my daughter's hand in marriage I naturally offered to pay for everything. Such is our relationship.”
He looks like he might hit me.
“But Tim said ‘no, we can't ask you to do that.’ So we came to a compromise that he would pay for the food and drink and I would pay for everything else. Having tasted the food and wine, I can confirm that it was Tim who bought them. I wouldn't want you to think I'd cut corners on my daughter's wedding. How can fish be dry?”
Everyone is loving this except Tim. Katy also looks a little displeased. Well, I only get to do this once.
“If I'd left it to Tim, I have no doubt my beautiful Katy would have walked down the aisle in a potato sack.”
I am killing this.
“But seriously. We love our Katy. And as long as Tim makes her happy, then he's okay with us. So if you'd all like to raise your glasses. To the bride and groom.”
My wife is frowning at me as well now. Fudge it, I got some serious laughs.