Written on 21 March 2019
Tim
Let's just have a rundown of everyone and everything that has been a giant disappointment on the day of my fucking wedding, shall we?
A now-wife who I don't think wants to be here.
A best man that ruined his wedding trousers getting a hand job from a cleaning lady.
An usher who is currently being treated by paramedics who ran passed us on his way to spectacularly reducing table 7 to match sticks.
The same Usher also has a half dozen policemen waiting to question him outside.
A Dad who currently has his hand on a bridesmaids ass.
A celebrant who wore crushed fucking velvet.
A caterer who can't even cook a cocktail sausage.
I feel fucking fantastic. Absolutely giddy with joy. I can't wait for the meal. The salmon will probably still be alive, flopping around on the table.
Katy is looking at me like this is my fault. I'm keen to remind her that she agreed to all of this, including marrying me, however begrudgingly.