Written 5 March 2019
Gretchin
I've got him as far as the shower, but he's decided to take a little nap in the tub. Nothing for it, I switch on the shower. Amazingly, he doesn't wake up. I tilt his head down so his mouth doesn't fill up. I mean, he deserves to drown, but I could do without a manslaughter charge. Not a great look for paralegals.
There's a knock at the door. I shake my head at my idiot boyfriend, and open it up. Arthur and Alice are ready to go.
“You guys good?”
“He's not. Passed out in the shower.”
“Ha. What a fucking lightweight.”
Alice starts fretting about being late. She's convinced Katy doesn't like her already, and that we have to be on time. I tell her he can't go in the state he's in unless we want to make a rather inappropriate impression on the wedding party.
So I. . . We. . . make the executive decision to leave him to his inebriation. I switch the shower off and Arthur and I carry him to bed, Arthur giggling at his limp penis, lolling absurdly to one side. We leave him a note, some taxi numbers, some cash and also drop him a text on his phone.
And as I leave him there, spread eagle and snoring, I wonder whether he's going to be more angry with me or himself?
If it’s me, then I'll cut his saggy balls off.