Written in 12 February 2019
Dear Loyal Customer,
I'm hoping, nay pleading, that this correspondence finds you well. We care so gosh darn much about you, your family and anyone you consider a friend. . . Provided they are also one of our customers (Just kidding!)
As you are no doubt aware, we have been together for six years now (Not like that, lol) and we wanted to show a token of our appreciation for your loyalty. People can be fickle, and that's okay. That's our duty as free folk (like in Game of Thrones. I guess fickle people are essentially wildlings. Haha) and we respect a customer's right to make a choice.
Bearing that in mind, we've recently been accosted by the legal eagles (big brother! Amiright?) Who have changed the rules (or at least enforced rules we weren't aware of. Who has time to read smallprint?) This is why we are writing to you. Both to show a token of appreciation, and to make you aware of something.
The good news first. Due to your loyalty to our corporation (honestly, we couldn't be more grateful to you) please find attached a £25 voucher to use at a high street boutique of your choice.
The bad news (booo!) is we also sold all your information to the Islamic State, including, but not limited to, your bank details, mobile phone passwords, addresses and blood type.
But that's not all. As well as the £25 gift voucher (drinks are on us) we're offering one lucky customer the chance to meet Drake in Istanbul. Text ILUVDRAKE to 64444 to enter.
Thank you again for being you :)
Temple Strachan