Written on 24 January 2019
It was my sister's wedding the following Saturday, and I thought I'd do a spot of sightseeing beforehand.
The ceremony was just outside New York (aka New Jersey) and I'd heard a lot about the New England leaves in autumn, and how they shit on all other leaves around the world whatever the time of year.
After the inevitable delay at Birmingham International, I landed at 2am local time (7am body clock time) and joined the immigration queue.
Now, full disclosure, I was somewhat of a troubled youth. I enjoyed annoying my parents and the local police, which usually ended up with a slap on the wrist. Naturally, I took it a step too far when I set fire to a police car. I did a couple of months at a centre for wayward teens, and cleaned up my act pretty quickly.
Unfortunately it left me with a criminal record. Fast forward to 4am local time, thereabouts, and my tiredness has rendered me incapable of remembering anything about my life.
“What's the purpose of your visit?”
“Leaves and weddings.”
“What do you do for work in Britain?”
“Weddings and leaves.”
“How long are you here for?”
“My sister's getting married to an American called Daryl. He’s nice.”
“Can you go with my colleague please sir.”
I'd also mixed a couple of diazepam with several plastic bottles of wine, so I'm not altogether surprised.
Anyway, they threw me into a waiting room full of people with brown skin. They all looked at me as if to say “this white guy must be really fucked up.” I fell asleep waiting to be called into a room. When I did, I'm so out of it that I needed to use the walls and immigration officers for support.
Long story short, they searched my anal cavity for drugs, swab tested me for their records and informed me that “due to my vague explanations, slurred speech and past criminal record” they were going to have to hold me here till the next flight back to England. The anal cavity search had woken me up somewhat, so I kicked up a fuss.
“But it's my sister's wedding!”
“I know.” the officer said, rolling his eyes and removing his rubber gloves, “she's marrying some leaves, you already told us.”