Below are the blogs from my previous tumblr . Eventually, I will upload them individually. But, for now, stop being lazy and scroll scroll scroll.
If you'd like to go back even further, check out this link, which also has copies of a lot of my work for Satirical Newspaper "The Haddock".
http://jonhatchuk.blogspot.co.uk/
May 6, 2015
(note: the writer, not the reader, is the idiot…unless the reader is an idiot, in which case, welcome!)
Part 6: The Last Word
It’s felt like an awfully long time coming, this election. The respective campaigns have been torturous in length and predictability. From Cameron avoiding debating anyone, to Farage’s “war on the BBC”, via Clegg’s insistence the Lib Dem’s have been a force for good, Natalie Bennett’s brain fade and Ed Miliband’s insistence he will not start a coalition with the SNP, effectively ensuring he doesn’t become Prime Minister. It has all felt like one of those tedious recurring dreams that slowly drive you mad. It has been laborious, cringeworthy, and on the most part, extremely negative.
This is nothing new, of course. Cameron beat Gordon Brown to death with the recession stick last time out, something he enjoyed so much he got the stick out of evidence control and decided to beat Ed with it this time. Of course, Ed can’t blame the financial industry, who were mostly to blame, as he doesn’t want to be seen as “anti-business”, so he just stands there, whilst Cameron hits him with strike after strike, until Ed is just a garbling mess.
The main perpetrator of the negativity has been the right-wing media. Ever since Ed Miliband had the audacity to demand an inquiry in to press ethics following the hacking scandal, one of the few brave things he has done in opposition, Murdoch has made it his mission to destroy him. Miliband has been accused of using slave labour, being a philanderer, making pacts with the SNP straight after the independence vote, and even being friends with Vladimir Putin (probably. I haven’t done the research) Similarly, The Daily Mail have gone to town on the Labour leader, but, fuck that irrelevant rag.
It’s not just the papers that have stirred up the negative soup. The campaign strategists have a lot to answer for. Stephen Hilton, the eccentric, to the point of delusional, predecessor, who was brilliantly lambasted by The Thick Of It in the shape of the character Stuart Pearson, was unceremoniously removed and replaced by Lynton Crosby. Crosby’s tactic amounted to shouting at Miliband and calling in to question his integrity, self worth and economic capability, as well as reiterating time and again Labour’s spending record and Ed’s alleged back-stabbing of his brother. Again and again and again and again until people got bored of it.
Labour’s message has been slightly more positive, shrugging off the endless drone of Tory abuse, and occasionally focusing on the positive changes they will make. But David Axelrod, who was in charge of Obama’s reelection campaign, has still advise them to primarily shout about the coalition’s record, especially on inequality, without focusing on the things a lot of voters are genuinely up in arms about, namely food banks, unregulated banking and the NHS. They clearly haven’t wanted to focus too heavily on these areas, as they’re unlikely to do anything much different.
This has made this election a lot more of an American style campaign. Obama was useless in 2012, hucking pies at Mitt Romney for his gaffes and his flip-flopping on issues such as abortion and gay marriage, instead of defending his own record, like he should have done. Romney lost, as he was a weak candidate from and outdated party, but why did the Democrats decide to let misinformation rule?
And this misinformation has led to a potential problem in Britain. In the last few decades, the British people, on the whole, have been fairly neutral. Even the more right-wing voters have, at the very least, tolerated ideas such as marriage equality and immigration, even if they weren’t happy about it. Now, they are becoming polarised by all the finger pointing, inaction and half-truths the parties put in their ear. The Left-Right split hasn’t been this prominent since the mid-80’s, and it is potentially disastrous. In America, nothing gets done. The Democrats and the Republicans flat out refuse to work with each other,in case they lose voters from their base, so positive progress never gets made. As good as Obama’s rhetoric may have appeared when he first took office, virtually every bill he has tried to push through has either failed, or has had to be watered down to within an inch of it’s life. Commentators are already saying he will be known as “The President Who Tried.” How fucking depressing.
So, what if we get a minority government, which is highly likely, and the Tories refuse to work with Labour, or vice versa? Nothing will get done, and the electorate will become more and more polarised. That is, unless this bile, this bilge, these lies put about as part of a “campaign strategy” stop. If you can’t manage to show positivity, then why not try facts?
The main story of this election has been the rise of the SNP. Why is that? It’s because Nicola Sturgeon, with nothing to lose and everything to gain, spoke with positivity and know-how. She’s inspired people to vote for her, but what happens when they have 50-odd seats to lose at the next election? Will the rhetoric stay the same? I hope so, but I doubt it. The young are apathetic with politics because there is no one to inspire them. If they wanted to see grown men pretending to fight in a scripted, awkward manner, they’d go to Wrestlemania. Unless we start hearing what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear we will have hung parliament after hung parliament.
Despite all this, you should still vote. Democracy may not be perfect, but it’s the best thing we’ve got (to paraphrase Churchill) So best of luck on crossing that old box, and thanks for reading my General Election blog.
And, in case you hadn’t guessed, I’m voting Labour, mostly due to tactical reasons.
April 30, 2015
(note: the writer, not the reader, is the idiot…unless the reader is an idiot, in which case, welcome!)
Part 5: Who Should You Vote For? – The Rest
Today, I’m looking in to a selection of the other parties vying for your vote a week today. Not all of these parties will be running in your seat, but, hey, we’ve come this far, right?
UKIP
Old? White? Hate foreigners? Love being afraid? Have we got the party for you! Yes, they may be polling 12% of the vote, but it looks like the maximum number of seats UKIP will win is two, and Farage is far from a sure thing to win in South Thanet. For all of the media coverage, the political earthquakes, the support of “real British people” (read: people from Kent and Essex who live in 80% white British constituencies) the Purple Revolution looks to be over before it really began. But, as I have been fair and impartial with everyone else, here are a few of their policies.
There are a few decent little sweetener policies, including free hospital parking, scrapping the bedroom tax and they are even pledging to tackle homelessness, something very few other parties are talking about. But these nice little policies would be paid by closing the borders, leaving the EU, scrapping climate change budgets, banning foreign nationals from using the NHS, cutting the top rate of tax, fast-tracking of fracking practice, and scrapping foreign aid, whilst doubling the defence budget. But, hell, at least Mousillini made the trains run on time, right? In fact, screw impartiality; do not vote for UKIP. They want to take England back to a time that never actually existed. I hope they get wiped out, so we never have to here from that shower of bastards ever again.
The Green Party
On the other end of the political spectrum are the Greens, led by the slightly inept Natalie Bennett. They have a proverbial smorgasbord of wonderful sounding policies. These including increasing the minimum wage to £10, ending austerity, a million new public sector jobs, stopping fracking and working on completely renewable resources for Britain, scrapping tuition fees, capping rents and building 500,000 new social homes, renationalizing the railways and introducing a Robin Hood tax, which has popular backing by a large amount of voters.
The only problem is, it’s sadly bollocks. There is simply no way you could afford all this, even if the top rate of tax was put up significantly. It is a shame, as the Greens did look to be an actual player a few months ago, but they have faded quicker than Natalie Bennett’s brain when trying to remember her own parties’ policies. However, I believe they will grow in status over the next few years, and I hope their next manifesto in 5 years time will have these budgetary concerns figured out. I also think it would benefit them to get Caroline Lucas, the parties’ only current MP, back as leader, as she seems so much more assured than the well-meaning Bennett. If you like these policies, and Labour aren’t doing anything for you, vote for them as a protest vote.
The Scottish National Party
I believe the majority of people reading this blog will not be able to vote for the SNP, but they are set to be a major player in this election, so I thought I’d take a look at them anyway. Their pledges include ending austerity, 9.5 billion extra in to the NHS over 3 years, scrapping trident, increasing the minimum wage to £8.70, abolishing the bedroom tax and they have also pledged to build 100,000 affordable homes a year. On top of that, they have laid out ambitious carbon emissions targets and are anti-fracking. Not too shabby.
The problem is, these were all promises for an independent Scotland, and their manifesto has changed in order to include the rest of the UK. Even if a deal is struck with Labour to either prop up a minority government or to enter a coalition, the SNP’s number one goal is still to be Independent, and that would put Miliband and co in a difficult position. Still, do not listen to all the Tory doom mongering. Nicola Sturgeon and her fellow future MP’s are not about to quadruple the amount of money that goes to Scotland. Having spent 5 years being governed by a coalition virtually none of them voted for, you simply can’t begrudge our neighbours to the north to finally have their say.
Plaid Cymru
Like above, except Welsh, and less likely to win many seats. Well meaning, but some way off being players in the Westminster game.
Respect Party
Like George Galloway? If the answer is yes, are you feeling okay?
BNP
Think UKIP are full of liberal, socialist pussies? Deny the holocaust? This is the party for you. They should die as an organisation soon, though, so sleep easy.
The Monster Raving Loony Party
Led by a cat, the original and best protest party are running in a few seats. Always worth watching the announcements live to see a stiff Liberal Democrat with a fake smile stand next to a man doing a handstand dressed as a demented Milkman.
NHA Party
The NHA are a single-issue party trying to protect the NHS. Worth your vote if none of the other parties have done enough to convince you they will save our beloved healthcare system.
DUP
Protestant unionists. Not touching this one with a barge pole.
Sinn Fien
Catholic separatists. Same as above.
FUKP Party
Pub landlord Al Murray is running against Nigel Farage in South Thanet. They’re basically the same as UKIP, except Murray is doing it as a joke, which says a lot about Farage, really.
And Finally…
I hope you’ve enjoyed my rundown of the parties and their manifestos. I will post a few more bits next week, including a short story from my upcoming book Tales of the Infinitely Possible. One week to go, people. Start practicing your box crossing.
April 27, 2015
(note: the writer, not the reader, is the idiot…unless the reader is an idiot, in which case, welcome!)
Part 4: Who Should You Vote For? – Labour
Who Are They?
Remember those guys who swept to power 18 years ago with promises of sweeping changes and a positive future, only to leave 13 years later with the inequality gap much larger than before, an illegal war still ongoing, despite an overwhelming majority of the electorate being against it, and literally no money left, having spent themselves dry? Hopefully not those guys, though no one is quite sure. Led by a cute, awesome sex-machine / Philandering, back-stabbing weirdo, depending on whether you read twitter or the Daily Telegraph, Labour have been pretty useless in opposition, though seem to have come to life in the last few months, with a raft of new policies and a rejuvenated Ed Miliband, they might yet not be the most inactive shadow party in history.
Why To Vote For Them
First off, they have pledged not to borrow any more, in spite of constant accusations leveled at them from other parties that they will rack up the debt. Cuts will remain, though in different sectors, so the bedroom tax will be scrapped. The top rate of tax will increase back to 50% for people earning over £200k, they will reintroduce to 10p tax rate (something they themselves cut when last time in power) and the minimum wage will be increased to £8 an hour by the end of their term. This will go hand-in-hand with the scrapping of zero hour contracts, so the worst off will get a bit of respite. Rent rises will finally be capped with inflation, something the lower and middle earners in London have needed for a long time, and energy prices will be frozen till 2017. The NHS will be safeguarded against privatization, whilst positive reform will take place, though this is a little vague, as were the other two parties’ pledges for our most valuable service.
As for housing, there are lots of positives. Along with the rent cap, letting fees will be scrapped, and a private landlord database will be set up, in order to keep tabs on those exploiting the system. 200,000 houses have been pledged, and a “use it or lose it” policy will be implemented on developers sitting on good land. Though it isn’t in the manifesto, it looks like they will cut stamp duty for first time buyers, as well. Education budgets will be ring-fenced to rise with inflation, and every student will be given free career’s advice. They have pledged to push for much more stringent climate change reform on the international stage, and will aim to stick to Britain’s targets at the same time. The main area of their campaign has focused on closing the inequality gap, and with their set of economic pledges, they may just achieve it.
Why To Not Vote For Them
They totally bottled on transport reform. Despite overwhelming public opinion being in favour of renationalizing the railways, they merely pledged to freeze prices for a year, basically to give them time to think about it. The NHS, the best thing Labour have ever achieved, doesn’t seem as safe as you’d hope, with only an extra £2 billion pledged, way less than the recommended amount. They have come under scrutiny for their stance on immigration, even printing some mugs with catchy anti-immigration slogans. Their actual pledges in this area are vague, and it all seems hastily put together to stop UKIP’s surge in the North. They have promised to cut tuition fees to £6,000 a year, but this is actually a bit of a slap in the face. If they had won last time, and doubled the fees by the end of parliament, there would have been outrage. Passing the cut off as a favour to young people seems exploitative. You would also expect so much more from their climate change policies, as well. All in all, there are a lot of disappointments for left leaning voters, and nowhere near enough pandering for right wing voters to come over, hence they will be nowhere near the majority needed.
Overview
A big problem for Labour in opposition has been Miliband. If it wasn’t him looking weird eating a bacon sandwich, it was him repeating himself over and over and over again in interviews. He would always critisise virtually everything the coalition did, but didn’t have an answer when asked what he’d do differently. In recent months, however, he has made a good show of himself, seemingly growing with confidence as the campaign has drawn on, whilst putting together a solid, if unspectacular, manifesto. Lynton Crosby, the Tory attack-kuala (he’s an ozzy, geddit?) has shaped his party to mercilessly attack Miliband, both personally and politically. This tactic has backfired, as more and more voters are seeing him as an actual person, not a line-towing machine, as he brushes off constant accusations of backstabbing his brother, and, bizarelly, being a serial womanizer. Iain Duncan Smith, vying with Grant Shapps to be the most useless person in government in the last 5 years, even accused him of being anti-marriage because he “left it quite late” to marry his wife. It has all come across a little desperate.
The problem they have is the big tartan elephant in the room. Labour look to lose most of their Scottish seats to the SNP, meaning some sort of power share would have to be negotiated. And, although Sturgeon is far from “the most dangerous woman in Britain” (Mail, Daily 2015) there will be some difficult negotiations to be had if Labour are to be in power for the next five years. It all just adds to the speculation of “what would happen if David was in instead of his brother?” that has dogged the younger Miliband since he took over the leadership.
April 23, 2015
(note: the writer, not the reader, is the idiot…unless the reader is an idiot, in which case, welcome!)
Part 3: Who Should You Vote For? – The Liberal Democrats
Who Are They?
The gimp in the literal cabinet of government, trotted out every time the Conservatives need someone to blame for one mistake or another, the Lib Dems, led by everyone’s favourite promise breaker Nick Clegg, are traditionally a Centre-Left party, who are very strong at grass roots politics. This time 5 years ago they were the popular underdog, fighting the established two parties. Now they are in government, they are about as popular as Katie Hopkins in an SS uniform. However, are they worth voting for in 2015?
Why To Vote For Them
According to their manifesto, they have settled back in to their traditional centre-left postion, nestled neatly between Labour and Conservative, perhaps hoping that the ever-retracting attention spans of the young have forgotten the last 5 years happened. If they are to be believed, they worked as a lead for the Tories, continuously reining them in and preventing all out Torygeddon. The party managed to get a few of their minor policies through this parliament, including raising the tax threshold to £10k, which would have helped low income households no end. Like their coalition partners, they have pledged to balance the books by 2018, and will pump another £8 billion in to the NHS. They have promised to borrow less than Labour, and cut less than the Tories, which seems to be the only thing Nick Clegg has said for the last 3 weeks, like a shit Duracell bunny.
Their policy highlights include attempting to cut tax-loopholes for corporation tax, something that would be welcome, but needs a very strong plan, as there are many legal ways to avoid tax for big business. They have pledged something real, if a little odd, in terms of climate change by starting a “green banking” initiative for new businesses, which includes subsidies for zero carbon-emissions. They will offer an in-out referendum on the EU, whilst committing to reform in Brussels. Education and pensions will be ring-fenced to rise with inflation, and they have pledged to increase to tax-threshold to £12.5k. In my opinion, the jewel of their policies is their drug and crime reform, which would go some way to treating addiction as a health issue instead of a crime issue, and to spend more time on criminal rehabilitation. Countless studies have been made in to this, and I believe it’s the right call, and surprisingly ballsy for the Lib Dems. The potential saving on reoffenders runs in to the billions. They are also promising double the number of apprenticeships for under-24’s and will raise the minimum wage, which all sounds rather good.
Why To Not Vote For Them
Except, how can you trust them, really? They promised a lot, and many people, especially the young, backed them for real reform last time out, only for most of the manifesto to be abandoned. They’ve also got some eyebrow raising policies, such as forcing new workers over here to learn English, which might sound sensible, but how exactly do you enforce something like that? It sounds like a UKIP pander to me. The biggest stab in the back is on tuition fees, which will remain static, despite the complete renege of their 2010 promise to scrap them. Their main environmental pledge, making a third of energy from renewable sources by the end of next parliament, smacks of a future broken promise, and although they have promised to scrap the bedroom tax, their cuts to benefits are still going to hurt the poorest, even if they do raise the tax threshold.
Overview
I have a personal gripe with the Lib Dems, as I voted for them in a swing seat 5 years ago, only for them to not go through with most of the policies I voted for. A lot of people clearly feel the same, as they are currently languishing down around 8% in the polls, jockeying for 4th with the Greens. However, such is the outdated voting system in Britain, along with their strong local campaigning, and popular backbench MP’s, they look to keep almost half of their seats. This might not sound like much, but it is likely to make them kingmakers once more, either with a Tory/UKIP/DUP combo or a Labour/SNP one. Either way, I think Clegg will go, which I genuinely think will be a shame. As much as everyone hates him, it’s important to remember that if he hadn’t joined the Tories 5 years ago, we would’ve had a minority government that may have lasted a year tops, Clegg gave his party a chance, but they got crushed, and have lost over half the vote. However, just because I admire the man, doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven him.
If we look it in terms of your personal vote, however, a vote for the Lib Dems is a vote for sensible change, with relatively progressive elements. However, whether you can bring yourself to trust them, is your choice. I can’t.
April 20, 2015
(note: the writer, not the reader, is the idiot…unless the reader is an idiot, in which case, welcome!)
Part 2: Who Should You Vote For? – The Conservatives
And for my next trick, I will now read (briefly skim) each major party’s manifesto and break it down for you, being as impartial as humanly possible whilst I do it, though that may be difficult for UKIP. First up, The Tories.
Who Are They?
The current Simon to the Liberal Democrats’ Garfunkel in the coalition. Historically a right-wing institution for the most privileged to sow their political oats, dish-faced leader David Cameron has talked up dragging the party to the centre over his tenure. Culturally, that may be true, but there is little evidence elsewhere. However, having not won a majority for 23 years, and with it looking unlikely they will do so this time, a shift may be why their manifesto has some hastily added big government pledges.
Why To Vote For Them
Well, the economy has stabilized, and is growing faster than the majority of other developed nations, and this is the platform they are running on, understandably. The number of people in work is at an all time high, inflation has stabilized, mostly thanks to the global price in oil dropping, and statistically we are better off on average than before the 2008 recession. They have done a relatively good job with big social policies, such as the legalization of same-sex marriage. As for their pledges for the next parliament, they will sink an extra £8 billion in to the NHS, though where that money will come from, no one has yet explained. They will also offer a 7-days-a-week GP service, presumably funded by this extra money. The tax threshold will be increased, again, and the deficit will be cleared by 2018, mostly through cuts, so if you froth at the mouth at the thought of benefit cheats, then this may be the party for you.
Childcare will be tax free, to help parents return to work, and they are pledging 30 free hours of childcare a week for 3 and 4-year-olds. They will guarantee an in-out EU referendum, despite insisting they want to stay in. They will also cap immigration. The Academy and Free School system will be ramped up, meaning there will be more help from the private sectors in education, which will hopefully improve state performances. 200k starter homes have been pledged, primarily for the young to get on the ladder, with the relatively successful Help-to-Buy scheme continued through the next parliament. They have also promised to fulfill their commitments to Scotland, which should help ensure the our shaky union survives for a little longer. They will also keep the foreign aid budget, despite vigorous campaigning from their own backbench. The biggest winners would be businesses, who have been promised no corporation tax rises, and tax set-ups for small businesses will be reviewed.
Why To Not Vote For Them
Not everyone feels better off, with inequality close to 1920’s levels, and 1000’s of families now relying on food banks. Employment rates are good, but still woefully low for Under-24’s, and with many instances of under-employment, due to brutal zero hour contracts. The housing crisis has not been addressed properly in this last parliament, and some of the benefits cuts, notably the bedroom tax, have had disastrous effects on the most vulnerable in society. In terms of their pledges, the environmental policies are woeful, scrapping subsidies for wind farms and promising to meet their carbon requirements “as cheaply as possible”, which hardly instills confidence. Reviving Thatcher’s right-to-buy scheme, though an obvious vote winner, means there will be far less social housing, despite the fact there isn’t anywhere near enough as it is.
Many of the pledges are annoyingly vague, something I’m sure will be a trend as I go through these manifestos, with numbers seemingly picked out of nowhere. 3 million apprenticeships and 2 million new jobs sounds great, but it’s not up to them, unless they’re inside the private sector. Where these will come from is a mystery. There are also policies like “invest in infrastructure” and “lead the world in fighting cancer” which just seem to be crowd-pleasing sound bites, as opposed to real promises.
Overview
There are large swathes of the population that have never, and will never, vote for the Conservatives, so you can’t blame them for keeping things mostly the same. However, I believe they were in error shunting the party to the right in the wake of UKIP’s emergence as a political player, as there were surely more voters disappointed with the Lib Dems they could have courted by inching to the centre ground. David Cameron has proved an evasive figure this election run-up, except when he is in attack mode, usually going after Milliband. This is mostly due to the Australian Spin Doctor/Democracy Ruiner Lynton Crosby, who has instructed the party to keep relatively quiet about their record in power, instead of defending it, and attacking other parties instead. I think this is a shame, as a proper Milliband vs Cameron debate would have been about the only interesting thing Cameron would have done on the entire campaign trail. I’m sick of him cooking, or eating, or talking to children. You’re the Prime Minister, not Jamie Cunting Oliver.
The fact is, it’s the bloody Tory swivel-eyed loons that are the problem. Say what you want about Cameron, but he’s stuck between a rock and a psychopathic backbench. Pander to the left, and your own party will start whispering about having you removed. Do anything seen to be helping his ‘ilk’ (rich, white people. Usually old men) and everyone left of Nick Clegg club you to death with their Guardian wall charts. However, they are unlikely to win a majority as long as the party sticks with their “more of the same” tactics. Under the current system, which let’s not forget they vigorously campaigned to keep, even if they had all of UKIP’s votes, they’d still be short of a majority.
Basically, if you’re happy with your lot in life, vote Conservative. Unless you rely on benefits, your lives are likely to stay pretty much the same. But, if you are worried about the most vulnerable in our society, our environment, or the plight of the youngest two generations, you should probably look elsewhere.
HOW WAS THAT FOR IMPARTIAL!!?!??
April 13, 2015
(note: the writer, not the reader, is the idiot…unless the reader is an idiot, in which case, welcome!)
Part 1: Why You Should Vote: A Cynic’s Explanation
Russell Brand was recently voted the fourth most influential thinker in the whole bloody world by Prospect magazine, which I think says a lot more about the state of political culture and modern philosophy in a society where it is possible to make a living selling selfie sticks, than it does about Brand’s political ramblings. That’s not to say he’s a crackpot demagogue with an overtly high opinion of himself, I do genuinely think he has some good ideas, but he is dead wrong, and very naive, to advise young people not to vote. If the 18-30’s decided against voting, it would be catastrophic for them.
As the demographic for this blog is a cultivated spectrum of pretty much just some people I met down the pub, I can make the assumption that the majority of you reading this will be under 30, albeit only just. Therefore you belong to the demographic of voters least likely to vote on the 7th of May. Here is a highly cynical, glass-half empty sort of explanation about why it is empirical that you get your beautiful faces to the ballots:
The more young people vote, the more they will gain, and the less shit will be taken away from them.
It is quite simple, really. Since the last election, people under 30 have had their retirement age pushed up a few years, have lost the ability to claim for social housing until the age of 25, have to pay £27k to go to a top university (£27k more than the politicians passing the laws), and whilst there are more people in work in this country than ever before, youth unemployment remains stagnant. Young people have to endure unpaid internships, which are legal and unregulated, and in some instances are part of their job seekers requirements. EMA’s were cut for people wishing to attend college, meaning the poorest can no longer afford to do A Levels, and education budget slashes have been called a necessity by the coalition.
On top of this, the cost of living is now very high, and wages have not kept up with inflation, meaning most young people can’t afford to put away much for pensions, and are likely to have to work well in to their 70’s. This is the first generation that will be worse off than their parents since the industrial revolution, yet there are very few policies pledged by any of the major parties to reverse this. The main reason for all of this is that not enough young people vote.
If you look at the other end of the spectrum, the over 65’s voted in the greatest numbers of any demographic, and they have lost nothing. On the contrary, they are slightly better off then they were in 2010. State pensions have been boosted and ring fenced (something that costs the tax-payer around 1000% more than benefit fraud, for those of you addicted to poverty porn) as has the winter fuel allowance, the free bus pass and everything else that was in place before the last election. I am absolutely not saying that our pensioners do not deserve it, but it would be nice if our government helped out our next generation as much.
Politicians think young people are self-obsessed to the point that they won’t notice all the shit being dumped on their doorsteps. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s just easier to administer cuts when there will be less backlash… Also, some of them don’t care. However, the Scottish referendum showed just how engaged young people can be, and what terrific turnout rates they can provide. Yes, the differences between the major parties are about the same as a can of coke and a bottle of coke, but that’s not the point. Spoil the ballot if you have to, just make sure you go along and vote.
Registration shuts on April 20th, so get over to https://www.gov.uk/register-to-vote and show them just how willing you are to walk a few hundred yards and put a cross on a bit of paper.
Next, I began the long and arduous task of analyzing the main parties in this election. It’s going to be so super exciting.
March 6, 2015
Portland, OR
Seattle, WA
March 1st-5th
I am thoroughly aware of just how bloodylate this is. I actually arrived home yesterday afternoon, but such was the hectic nature of the last few days, I have only just managed to write something down for the final leg of our trip. There are doubtless things I have forgotten, as my brain isn’t very good, but let’s see whether I can write something eligible to sum up.
We arrived in Portland on Sunday evening and headed straight out to “The best bar in the Northwest”. We ate some food and drunk a beer, struggling to discover what the fuss was about. The place was all but empty by the time we left, deciding to visit one of the East side’s dive bars instead. But as we walked out the door, the waitress caught up with us. “Guys, you forgot your free bottle opener!” Oh, that’s why it’s the best bar in the North West! You get free shit!
The next bar wasn’t quite as polished. The B-Side was a cold place covered in graffiti, playing music like The Bled and Rise Against, and charging $2 for a can of warm lager. The only thing you’d get free here was hepatitis, and it was fucking awesome. We had several beers here, chatting shit with the locals and whistling along to inaudible screaming. We had one more chance to sample Portland’s quirkiness on our whirlwind stop.
The Star Bar was advertised as an always packed punk rock dive bar open till 2 in it’s blurb online, yet when we arrived there was a bizzarely dressed Nordic fella singing Blondie to precisely 5 people, one of which had clearly wandered in by accident and was looking horrified. It was Karaoke time.
Jack jumped up at the opportunity, pulling off a version of Cigarette’s and Alcohol laced with “I can’t hear you Portland”’s and Liam Gallacher-esque ‘shhhiiiinnneeeessss’ so accurate that Noel Gallacher would have fucking hated it. It went down terribly, but I thought it was rather good, and after a few more beers, I took to the stage for a rendition of “Irish Blood, English Heart”, totally nailing Morrisey’s morose and labored stage presence. It was amazing fun. We had a few more, increasingly drunken, sing-a-longs, before hitting the hay.
After a quiet morning in which we all caught up with work, we enjoyed a walk around Portland. Robin and I spent far too much money on vinyl at 2nd Street Records and we hit the road. The final car journey took us towards snow-capped mountains, and though it wasn’t as pretty as the woods, it was another reminder of this countries beautiful, and ever-changing landscape. You would think they’d be a little more proud of it, to be honest.
Seattle is a very cool city, surrounded by mountains, lakes, and rivers, and with an iconic skyline. We went to a bourbon bar first, which was terrific, if not quite as good as the bourbon in the south. We had some dinner at 1,000 spirits, a cleverly named restraint where 1,000 ghosts live, and around 1,031 bottles of whiskeys, vodkas and other such intoxicating liquor are served. We were a little bit hung over from the night before, so we had an early night.
The next morning, Jack, a gigantic grunge fan, picked up a car and headed to Aberdeen, the birthplace of Kurt Cobain. Robin and I went down to the famous fish market. Sadly, we didn’t see anyone throwing any halibut, but we did have a coffee at the first ever Starbucks,, had a ridiculously good Mexican and I bought a range of unhealthy foods to take back to England and gorge on in the private of my own pain room (that’s what I call my kitchen, perverts) We had a wonder around other parts of the city, stopping in for the occasional beer.
Feeling all of this relaxing had been a huge strain, I booked in for a massage at the hotel in the evening. Whilst I waited, we went on the hunt for the famous Sub Pop records, which we discovered as a sticker on a buzzer attached to a grubby looking office building. It was a little disappointing. The massage was bloody fantastic, though, and I even had a much needed swim afterwards. This is me, telling you about a massage. My Pulitzer Prize is all but won.
Our Final evening in the states took us to a restaurant called 360, which was a little disappointing. I never thought I’d say this, but vegetables are awesome. We went to the legendary Crocodile Club, a place where the likes of Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden started their careers. Happily, they had Karaoke on as well. Jack, once again, took to the stage and sang Cigarettes and Alcohol, just so he could say he played the same venue as Kurt.
We finished off our evening at an old speakeasy gin bar, the entrance of which was in an ally-way. It was a lot of fun, chatting about ‘soccer’ with the locals, who seemed to think the Seattle Sounders could beat Villa. Not on recent form. 17th place, bitches!
We filled up on records and tat from the Sub Pop shop at Seattle airport the next day, as well as finishing off our little film, which actually looked pretty good. Having taken a few over the counter sleeping pills, the flight seemed to fly by, and now we’re home and I’m talking to you, stuffing my face with chocolate covered cherries. All in all,, it was a great trip. Next up is going to have to be a trip across the north, I think.
March 1, 2015
San Jose, CA
San Francisco, CA
Crescent City, CA
27th February – 1st March
Well, up state California is fucking pretty! Huge mountains and rolling rivers, with water as blue as a Cola flavoured Chuppa Chop, all covered in gigantic redwoods and feral elk. The 101 is absolutely breathtaking, but we’re not quite there yet, are we.
We had our second screening of Camelot on Friday afternoon. The majority of the capacity audience left after our film, despite there still being 3 films left. My hope is, they had a pressing engagement, or otherwise they were so blown away they needed to take a moment to themselves in order to digest the beauty of our poky little movie, and not that they thought the Cinequest standard had slipped far below the usual standard, and were exiting in order to get a refund.
We had a Q&A session afterwards, which was fine. The curator asked straight off what our main inspirations for our respective films were. The problem was that one of our fellow filmmakers was a Georgian guy who had made a film about the atrocities of the 2008 Georgia-Russia conflict, and ours was a little caper about a girl who wanted a car. Robin, sensibly, answered that our inspiration was having a car and wanting to make a film using it, only for the car to be sold 2 weeks before production, and then hastily passing over to the Georgian.
It was upon arriving back in San Fran at 5 that our day somewhat fell apart. Our plan was to pick up the car straight away and drive 3 hours north to Fort Bragg. Unfortunately, the car rental place closed at the unfeasibly early time of 4. Both Alamo and Trailfinders were about as useful as a balsawood cricket bat, so we had no choice but to stay another night, and head north the next morning. We had a decent burger from the cleverly named Burger Bar on Union Square, before heading back for an early night.
We then discovered that the camera equipment the guys had hired to make a little movie didn’t work, and the company they had hired from was shut all weekend. All in all, it wasn’t the best day for customer service. We went to bed a little frustrated, but excited for the drive.
It was when we were driving through such a beautiful landscape in our spectacular Ford Fusion (after driving over the iconic Golden Gate Bridge to get out of the city) that we had a literal Eureka moment. I got on my phone and found a couple of camera shops in Eureka, CA, a little town on our route we were going to stop in for a breather anyway. After speaking to a few people, we were directed to a guy called Mark, and agreed to meet him. He handed over a 7 grand camera to guys he had no address or contact details for, and we paid him the poultry sum of $150 to do it. The world needs more people like Mark.
A few more hours of amazing coastline and forests, and we arrived in Crescent City. The town was destroyed by a tidal wave in the sixties, and you can tell, as the architecture is just horrible. Still, the people were friendly, and the motel was pretty nice, backing on, as it did, to a sweeping beach and the Pacific Ocean.
We had, by far, our worst meal out, that night, in the only restaurant in town still open after 7 (the demographic of Crescent City seemed to be geriatric) Gritty sea food, linguine more oil than wheat, and a sauce so thick with faux-parmesan it congealed within seconds of being served was my dish of choice. Jack’s chicken had a mysterious sticky, beige sauce on top, and Robin’s “fresh” red snapper was breaded and clearly frozen, an element that was noticeably absent in the menu. The beer was good, though.
We went back and filmed a few scenes. Fed-ex has sadly been shelved, but we’ve got a decent film coming along. You’ll have to wait and see it for plot details, but I can confirm I’m not in it, which I think you’ll all agree is a great shame.
We woke up at 7am to watch England fuck up their chances of a Grand Slam for a 12th season in a row, before filming a few more scenes and hitting the road. We’ve just travelled a further few hours through more beautiful countryside and in to Oregon. We are 100 miles short of the alleged birthplace of the hipster movement, Portland, which is our next destination. In the meantime, have a pleasant day.
February 27, 2015
San Jose, CA
San Francisco, CA
25th-26th February 2015
I can’t even begin to describe the unease I felt when faced by a bank of photographers, capturing the awkwardness of my colleagues and myself for various Cinequest sponsor websites. “Can you turn your glass around? I can’t see the Stella logo.” It’s good to be at the top.
Still, the film festival experience is a fun, if a little surreal, one. We arrived on Wednesday afternoon, after a sluggish journey on the Caltrain, to be presented with our all-access passes and an itinerary of the day. First off was a nice awkward sit-down in the VIP lounge, drinking free beer (Stella, incidentally) and eating free chocolate, whilst curious Americans came and introduced themselves.
We were then introduced to our chaperone, Mary-Ann, who was to look after us for the evening. Without further a-do, we were being whisked to an old jazz bar to attend a meet and greet with other filmmakers. We were advised to “sell sell sell” whilst we were there, in order to get people to attend our screening later that evening. The three of us reconvened after a few initial chats, as none of us could actually agree what our film was about and how to sell it. We decided on something along the lines of “It’s about a girl who wants a car, and how far she is willing to get it.” I mean. It’s not terrible, but it’s not exactly a refined elevator pitch.
The whole thing was highly ridiculous, but a lot of fun. Happily, there seemed to be a noticeable lack of ego and arrogance amongst our fellow filmmakers, which made the whole thing more an exercise of stating, “how happy you were to be there” than bragging about how your film was going to win a Palm fucking D’or next year. A few other British guys were there, too, and we all agreed that self-promotion was not a trait that came easily to us. The more bizarre moments came from the sponsors, one of which I told the story of how we made our film. After I was done she said “That’s a great story… You should tell it to us.” At which point she handed me a card with a competition on it “And win yourself a trip to Vegas!” It was tremendously American.
After the “soiree” (their term, not mine) we went for a bit of food and a few drinks. The jet lag was still prevalent, so by the time our shorts program screening started at 10 we were all falling asleep. It had been a very long day, and it had all lead up to this moment. This was the reason we were here. The cinema was relatively full, and the three of us sat up with excitement when our film began, second to last in the program. Typically, the sound didn’t work. I cursed under my breath, and Jack ran out to inform the projectionist of the error. We sat there as the opening couple of minutes played out, anger coursing through my veins, then the projection stopped, the movie restarted with the sound, and all was good. The reception was positive, though we didn’t have a chance to discuss it with the audience, as a $90 Uber back the 60 miles to San Francisco awaited us.
We had a lazy start on Thursday. Mostly, we just sat around admiring how wonderful Jack’s hat was. It just seems to get lovelier every day. After another gargantuan breakfast, we got a cab down to Pier 39, home of seals and tourist tat. I got my fortune told by a machine akin to the one in Big. I did ask to be big, but the machine apparently decided I was big enough, the cunt. Anyway, Pier 39 somewhat blows, so we decided to climb Bernal Heights Park.
I mentioned Bernal Heights last time around. It’s an incredible spot, with a panoramic view of the whole of San Francisco. It was another beautifully sunny day, and we could see all the way to the Golden Gate. I’m sure I’ve said it before, but for anyone visiting, this is an amazing spot.
We had another walk down Valencia to pick up some presents and have a few beers, before heading back to the hotel. It was on this journey that we met a cricket-mad Uber driver, who was not happy with modern crickets wickets. “I mean anyone can hit a six these days, I could hit a six with my dick!” He was a top guy.
In the evening, we met up with a friend from back home, who now lives over here. We went to Beretta, on Valencia, which I’d highly recommend. The food is terrific, without being too expensive, and the cocktails knocked you for six, happily without using their respective dicks. We had a few more drinks in a bar round the corner, before heading back to the hotel for the final time. There will be a night on this trip where we stay up later than 11, I swear.
We’re on our way for the next screening now, before hitting the road later. Stay safe.
Filed under cinequest san francisco san jose american road trip beretta pier 39 camelotshort camelot uber
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February 25, 2015
Totally sounds like a Hobbit movie, right? Anyway, this is my second time of writing this mother, as my first draft was cruelly wiped out by my inadequate writing equipment. It was so much better than this current incarnation as well. I yearn for the salad days of post cards.
Anyway, it was around 6pm PT yesterday when the room starting swaying like a fishing boat in a young George Clooney movie. Not literally, you understand, but in my head. I put this down to the sheer brutality of the 11 hour flight, mixed with the askew body-clock affecting my crumbling, pathetic body.
And I’m thoroughly aware that there are longer flights. If you read the line “brutality of the 11 hour flight” and scoffed, then your an annoying little jet-setter, and I hate you. I hate you so much. Still, Robin managed to snag us some extra legroom, which took the edge off, and I sat next to a baby who must have been goosed up to his eyes on ritallin, such was his indifference to sitting in a compressed tube a mile high for such an awfully long time.
Once we landed in San Francisco, we were greeted by the pageantry that is the U.S. passport control. In the 2 hours we spent queueing I tried to figure out how to avoid being unceremoniously thrown (Read: politely guided) into a back room for further interrogations again. I was a little bamboozled by a question about work, but this guy was a lot nicer than that horrible prick in Boston, and all 3 of us made it through unscathed.
We went to Tony’s pizza in the evening, which was amazing. It would have been even better if it wasn’t our 4th meal of the day. It was at this point that the room starting swaying, and it didn’t stop until we crawled in to bed at 9pm like the fucking wild cunts we are. Still, the jet-lag would be defeated.
Today was a gloriously sunny day, and 3 pairs of Ray-Bans (2 real, 1 fake) made their first appearances of the year. After some good ol’ American eggs for brekkie, we went to an exhibition showcasing and selling the latest works of the photographer Alec Soth. It was rather good, but the cheapest print was $35k, so we were mostly ignored. Apparently we don’t look monied, which is bullshit.
After that, we headed to Valencia Street, which I went to last time. We managed to catch the end of the Man City v Barcelona, the highlight of which was the revelation that the chief pundit on Fox Sports 1 was 90’s Newcastle legend Warren Barton. I’m thrilled that he landed on his feet.
We then spent a couple of hours checking out the shops. My personal favourite was the taxidermist Paxton Gate, which had a genuine stuffed Unicorn head. Haight and Ashbury was next, where we had an underwhelming salad, got offered Acid 3 times and shopped for Denim Jackets. Jack’s hat also became blessed as the Optimus Prime of hats by an overenthusiastic shop owner, talking herself out of a sale in the process.
A short Uber later, and we were watching the sun go down on San Francisco Bay, in tribute to the 90’s annoyance The Beautiful South. We are hopeless romantics after all.
We just had a decent Mexican, and are now crashing out again, just like proper lads should. We’ve spent most of the day discussing what short movie we should film once we’re on the road. All we’ve come up with so far is that the lead character is a grizzled dude called Fed-Ex and is played by Jack Lightfoot. I’ve tried to convince Robin that I should play Fed-Ex’s no-nonsense boss, but he doesn’t seem keen.
Tomorrow is the first screening of Camelot at Cinequest, so we’re pretty excited. Anyway, good morning. I hope all is well.
Filed under american road trip san francisco paxton gate Valencia Street jet lag
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February 8, 2015
It has been a while, hasn’t it? Since returning from USA, I’ve barely written a scratch on this blog, bar an obligatory dig at Nigel Farage and an ill-advised excursion in to Buzzfeed territory. You may have thought, justifiably, that I had, once again, abandon my attempt to be a respected blogger. Well, fuck you for having so little faith! I’ve been busy.
I’ve spent a year, to the day, writing my first book, a collection of short stories called “Tales of the Infinitely Possible.” The loose theme for the 10 stories is the human condition, whether it be depression, ego, loneliness or obsession. There are funny stories and serious ones, and I’m pretty proud of what I’ve produced so far.
What happens next is some rigorous redrafting, whilst trying to pick up a literary agent. The hope is, an agent can help me get the book published. However, if this doesn’t look attainable, then I will self-publish for eReaders by the end of the year. I also plan to release one of the stories at the end of April as a teaser, in order to wet your appetite.
In the mean time, I have some good news for anyone who enjoyed my Cynical Brits Abroad blog. I’m heading back to the States in a couple of weeks. The short film I wrote with my fellow road tripper Robin Mason has been selected for the film festival Cinequest, and we will be going over to San Jose to attend, before heading up the coast to Portland and Seattle. My intention is to blog about our trip as often as possible, so look out for the first one on the 24th Feb.
After that, I may be doing some nice, boring political blogs in the build-up to one of the most unpredictable elections for a generation. Am I hoping to swing the vote? Well, since I don’t know who I’m voting for myself, that would be a no, but I hope to engage a couple of people who would otherwise be disinterested (which reminds me, make sure you register to vote people!)
So, that’s my deal. Lot’s to look forward to if you are a fan of dislocated ramblings and nonsense stories. See you soon.
7 notes
August 15, 2014
We all love Harry, and we are all desperate to be part of his world. However, with a few basic bits of modern technology, Harry and friends could have avoided catastrophe:
Philosophers Stone - Full body scanners:
“Is that Voldermort underneath Quirell’s turban?”
Chamber of Secrets - Tumblr:
“Ginny, why the hell are you writing all your troubles and apprehensions in a diary when you could make them permanently public like everyone else?”
Prisoner of Azkaban- Guns
“I know they are horrendously unsafe, and far from appropriate for a school, but at least they don’t literally suck the happiness out of our students.”
Goblet of Fire - CCTV
“Is that Professor Moody throwing a name in to the Goblet of Fire? We Should probably investigate that.”
Order of the Phoenix - Mobile phone
“Hi, Sirius? Just wanted to make sure you weren’t being tortured at the Ministry of Magic?”
Half Blood Prince - Bottled Water
“Here you go, Dumbledore, had some Evian in my bag. That’ll wash the maddening potion down.”
Deathly Hallows - Military Aircraft
“Voldermort finally looked up at the body rotating above the table. However, It was the last thing he saw for an awfully long time, as his body was decimated in a surgical missile strike on Malfoy Manor. The end."
Jonathan Hatch.
Filed under harry potter prisoner of azkaban philosophers stone chamber of secrets goblet of fire order of the phoenix half blood prince deathly hallows potter theories modern technology
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August 1, 2014
You’re absolutely right, this is a comedy blog. Unnecessarily bloody Game of Thrones episodes, Nigel Farage looking like The Head from Art Attak, it’s all good shit. And that’s why I apologisein advance for this blog. Because, this blog will solve absolutely nothing, it will make no one laugh, and will generally be like listening to that one colleague you have that you don’t really like, ranting about a football team you don’t care about, or trying to engage you about the French director who has really devalued his oeuvre by making a blockbuster, when all you want to do is have a nice after work drink and bitch about how the boss, Steve, doesn’t appreciate the time and effort you put in to the company. So I apologise again, this is going to suck for you.
What is happening in Gaza is totally fucked.
Of course it is. I mean, you, the person reading this right now, you know it is. I know it is. My racist dentist knows it is. Half of Israel knows it is. And we all shrug and go “well it’s the middle east. It’s complicated.” And it is, mostly due to western intervention and government installation, but now is not the time to be overcome by our collective colonial guilt (though it is only a matter of time before it gives me an aneurism)
This is not a war, this is a turkey shoot. Israel claims to be defending itself by blowing up schools and hospitals. The problem is, their Iron Dome missile defence system is doing that perfectly well. Yes, 3 Israeli based civilians have died, and that is 3 too many, but the Iron Dome is stopping almost every rocket to breach the wall. In return they throw ground troops, targeted missiles and billions of dollars worth of military hardware back on to the strip. It is utterly barbaric. Channel 4 Newsreader John Snow made an impassioned speech about the amount of children being killed a few days ago, which went viral, and it’s easy to distance yourself from these kids when you’re so far away.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mR1LGoNg5p4
The problem is, we’re all hypocrites. There is an overriding hatred of Russia and their people right now, firstly due to their backing of al-Assad’s regime in Syria, a conflict which has now lasted as long as World War I, and has claimed over 116k lives, as well as displacing 2.3 million people into neighbouring countries. And also in the Ukraine conflict, where the way the Russian’s have conducted themselves has been deplorable.
And yet, our governments in the west will shy away from condemning Israel, and the US will even replenish their depleted armories, whilst half-heartedly telling them to calm down. What’s the difference between the two? At least the West has sent the rebels in Syria and Ukraine support, most of it body armour and safety equipment. The people of Gaza get nothing, whilst the West’s relationship with the Arab world becomes more distant than ever. No wonder Muslim extremists are on the rise. This conflict is a recruitment highlight reel. We can’t get angry with Russia when the people we elected do exactly the same thing.
Some will misconstrue this as support for Hammas, which is not the case. The troubles in this region are way beyond a half-cut, middle class, white British idiot, who couldn’t stay awake during The Hurt Locker, to comprehend. But, I do consider myself a humanitarian. If Hammas are firing rockets into Israel, and after a sustained campaign they kill 3 people, Hammas are the bad guys. Importantly, if Israel opted for diplomacy over military superiority, something could just be worked out. Maybe start by recognizing Gaza as a country?! Again, British middle class idiot, but surely diplomacy is better than killing 1,400 people, the current death toll on the Palestinian side, a death rate which is akin to the black death in concurrence with the Gaza population.
The Oxford Research Group estimated in November 2013 that 11,420 children had been killed in this conflict, and that was before this most recent clusterfuck. This has got to end. Sadly, I think those words are about as meaningless as this blog. But please, do the bare minimum. Sign this petition.
http://www.avaaz.org/en/gaza_time_for_peace/
Thanks very much for reading to the end. I’ll reward you with a joke. What advice should you give to an outlaw inflatable? Just LyLo.
Filed under gaza freegaza israel USA britain russia stopthewar justeveryonechillthefuckout
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May 9, 2014
Yes sir, I’m part of the problem. I’m about to indulge you in a long-winded and convoluted rant about Nigel Farage and his stable of “Closet Racists” (Cameron, D 2009), and for part of it I’m going to talk about his disproportionate media coverage. I know, I’m a flipping hypocrite. You’ve heard this all before from self righteous little twits such as myself, and, like the sword of Gryffindor, this wind bag seems to take what is trying to destroy him and uses it to strengthen him. I’ll take full responsibility if, this time next year, we are bowing down to Grand Overlord Farage, and deporting our colleagues and friends with reckless abandon. All hail the acceptable face of racism! All hail Head from Art Attack!
But this is simply not going to happen. Yes, Farage is perpetually gaining support, and he may even gain a couple of seats in the next general election, but it will be a truly insignificant amount. Currently, George “The guy who pretended to be a cat on Big Brother” Galloway’s Respect party has more seats than UKIP, and they’ve had next to no publicity from major media outlets, except for the odd Galloway ramble on Question Time. Farage is perpetually on television; in fact he has been on Question Time 15 times in the last 5 years. Newspapers constantly debate him, with the rightwing press slowly coming round to his cult, and the television media give him and his party such a ridiculously disproportionate amount of airtime it’s almost like they haven’t got anything better to talk about. Indeed, on a day of severe unrest in Ukraine, and another politician disgraced in a cash-for-questions sting, ITV Evening News led with “will Farage run in the by-election?” a question that could’ve taken up a lot less airtime by simply reporting “no”.
I wrote a blog some years ago about the BNP, and how it was time to treat them like the white elephant in the room. Mostly due to my insanely eloquent writing skills, and also a little bit to do with Nick Griffin’s total capitulation on Question Time, everyone did start ignoring them. When was the last time you heard about the BNP from a major news source? You’re most likely to see Nick Griffin on a Buzzfeed article called “Famous people who look like a melted candle” along with Micky Rourke and Sylvester Stalone. Why not ignore UKIP in the same way, instead of endlessly talking about how much we hate their organisation? Let’s be honest, you’re either going to disagree vehemently with their standpoint, or agree with their “back in the day things were so much better” bullshit, until you dig a little deeper and realise that what they want could potentially cripple the UK and lead us in to an isolationist catastrophe.
The problem Farage has got, and it fills my frightened little heart with hope, is that the rest of his party are doing their utmost to reveal just how nasty UKIP is. Not a week goes by without a member being racist, homophobic or sexist in a public forum. Godfrey Bloom, who has since been fired my Farage, is a human highlight reel for all three, and he was the party’s chairman! Farage seems to want to do all media appearances himself, because he knows he talks a very good game, but what about the rest of his party? What if the worst comes true and UKIP win a majority at the next election? Farage will have to fill a cabinet with a bunch of people he is terrified of talking to the media. Maybe it will become the first one-man-show cabinet, with Farage playing all the different parts. Nicola Farage, the Minister for Women? Just Farage in a dress trying not to refer to women as sluts. Alan Farage, Foreign Secretary? Farage wearing a WWII trench coat swearing at a map of the world, with Africa labeled as ‘Bongo Bongo Land”. It would be worth it just to see him collapse from exhaustion after 4 days.
And hear in lies Farage’s problem. He should go back to being a merchant banker, or else calm down his hysterical views and join another party, because without a whole host of viable candidates behind him, candidates who are capable of disguising their inherent racism as well as he can, Farage’s little UKIP experiment is doomed to fail. And if it is doomed to fail, why the hell are we talking about it so much?
So, with the European elections just around the corner, if you are a sane person who is eligible to vote, I urge you to go out and vote for anyone other than UKIP. If they do not do as well as everyone says they are going to do, then maybe the nightmare will finally be over, and then we can get back to moaning about George Osbourne instead.
HYPOCRISY OVER.
Filed under nigel farage ukip question time bnp european elections uk politics farage
2 notes
December 3, 2013
The welfare state has been a cornerstone of Britain since the Second World War. A safety net to ensure that no child goes hungry and, if you get sick, unexpectedly lose your job or the job you have will not cover shelter and food for your family, you are covered. It is a good thing. Much like the NHS it has helped immeasurably in making Great Britain a civilized, well respected and progressive nation. Tomorrow, we will see the beginning of the end of the welfare state.
In George Osborne’s autumn statement, amongst the gloating about his plan of austerity working in healing the economy (something that has much more to do with the gradual stabilisation of the Eurozone than his plan), Osborne is expected to announce that Britain can “no longer afford the welfare state”, and introduce further cuts to housing benefits and some unemployment benefits. And he’ll do all this whilst the majority of people will shrug and think “fair enough”.
The coup has been a gradual one. The media to the right have always loathed the welfare state. The method the Conservatives have used to push through so many harsh cuts, virtually unopposed, is by highlighting incidents of scrounging, individuals taking advantage of a system set up to protect people. The media have been more than willing to back them up. Not just the Mail et al, either, I recently tweeted that if you take all the money spent on making programmes about benefit fraud and put it back in to the system the problem would be solved. It was a joke, but not a joke too far away from reality.
The truth is that the public is horribly misinformed about the problem of benefit fraud. It amounts to between 0.5 and 1% of the total benefits paid out. Granted, that is still an awful lot of money, and I am in no way condoning it in any way, but there are much more pressing problems. Tax avoidance is thought to cost the government £35bn, 15 times more than benefit fraud. Wages are growing at a much slower rate than inflation, so less money is being paid in. And then there is the big old elephant in the room; the rapidly ageing population and the issues that creates with the state pension. The fact that there are so many attacks on “scroungers” is frankly ludicrous when compared to the other problems.
Nevertheless, under the veil of tackling the “feckless”, the government has bought in crippling benefit changes, not just for the so-called work shy. You only need to check out Able2UK’s blog to see how the new disability benefits system has affected the disabled. Then there is the bedroom tax, a levy on people who receive housing benefit but have a spare room, a measure that has seen an increase of a third in late rent payments for those affected. Iain Duncan Smith’s scheme of getting people back to work by stacking shelves for free was another winner, and it’s not just the working classes penalised. Households earning over £50k between them have lost their child benefits, something that was previously heavily relied upon when offered maternity leave was not sufficient and high mortgage payments burden so many.
It is, however, the poor that take the brunt, as they so often do. There are 170% more food banks than last year, with an increase of 320,000 since 2008/9, when there were just 26,000. This is not just because of the benefit cuts, of course, as the 2008 recession has to take some of the blame, but that is a staggering increase in something that really shouldn’t be a problem in 21st century Britain; Starvation. Then there are the aforementioned “help to work” schemes and “unpaid internships”, offered to those “feckless” people desperate to get back to work, which result in nothing more than hurt knees, a huge travel bill and no additions to the candidates skill set. The cuts to housing benefits have left people homeless or facing eviction, and there have even been reports of some late payment notices from the Housing Association stating “If you have children in your household we may also inform Social Services.” Motivating the “feckless” by threatening their children. Great strategy, that. I recently wrote a blog about my travels across the United States in which I stated how shocked I was about the level of homelessness. The way things are going, Britain could have a very similar problem in the next 5-10 years.
And yet we do nothing. Not a week goes by that I don’t see someone ranting on Facebook about “pikey scroungers”. “Look at them, earning more than me while sitting at home doing nothing, and then gloating about it! They should be shot.” It amazes me that it’s never occurred to people who decide to write these sorts of comments that they’re watching a television programme about benefit scroungers, and of course the producers are going to find the worst examples. The same people won’t watch a Panorama or a Dispatches about how the cuts are affecting the majority of genuine claimants. What happened to us?
There was so much promise. We were going to be the generation that championed tolerance and equality. The children brought up in the welfare state, when racist incidents were becoming less and less frequent. When Women were treated as equal human beings. When multiculturalism took pride of place as one of our greatest achievements as a country. Then we got mean. Two incidents did it. 9/11 made the ill-informed mistrust the man down the road, someone they were getting on with perfectly well the week before. And the financial crash made everyone poorer and less willing to share. As wages continue to flat-line well below inflation and our money and savings become worth less and less, we’ve become selfish, not thinking that if we’re affected this badly, then the man in the council flat down the road must be really struggling. We instead blindly accuse him of trying to steal from us.
Fair warning to everyone who is not angered and opposed to the slow dismantling of the welfare state; the NHS will go next. That thing the majority of British people revere above all other achievements by our nation will be stripped and sold for parts, piece by piece. Show apathy now for something that has been an institution as long as the NHS, then you might as well be giving the government permission to light the fuse.
I think Russell Brand is wrong, I don’t think political apathy in the young is a good idea. I think it’s time our generation gets angry, gets involved and shows our displeasure with the powers that be.
Back to funny shit next time, I promise.
July 25, 2013
This heat is wonderful. Shut up, you know it’s true. Sure , the tube is borderline deadly, and there is that voice in the back of my head saying “wettest year on record, followed by one of the coldest and longest winters, followed by unprecedented heat. It’s climate change, you dick head!” but, moral conscience aside, I love it. One of the major issues is trying to sleep. I live right by a road that is rather popular with the old automobiles, so opening my window has it’s dramas. But, happily, I’ve managed to sleep through such noise pests as street cleaners, ambulances and even that apocalyptic storm that raged through the capital on Monday. What I haven’t managed to sleep through is Ben “Fucking” Howard.
At least twice a week I’m jerked awake by the unmistakable sound of inoffensive Devonshire folk, specifically the first 3 or 4 tracks of Mr. Howard’s debut, played at a volume that makes the 4am ambulance sound like a gagged church mouse. And it’s always the first 3 or 4 tracks and me just lying there, sweating buckets, looking at the ceiling and imagining I had a shotgun. Not to hurt my neighbor, I’m a peaceful man, but simply to fire at where I think the sound is emitting from, or otherwise to take my own life. I’d leave a suicide note reading, “it’s all your fault, Ben Howard!”
Here’s the kicker, though. I don’t actually mind Ben Howard. In fact just a few weeks ago I had a wonderful little nap at Glastonbury whilst laying on the hill in the sun listening to him play (The irony of that is not lost on me.) Sure, hes not the most groundbreaking of artists, but for something to just stick on in the background it’s fine. What annoys me so much is my unseen neighbour’s obsession with him. Those 3 or 4 tracks coming on time and time again, and all from an album which is 18 months old.
Ben Howard went from being a relatively popular singer-songwriter to national superstar after he won a couple of Brits. Most people had never heard of him before the most pointless of all awards shows decided to honour him, but suddenly his album went platinum and everyone was talking about him. But if they liked nice, folky singer-songwriters, why didn’t these people go looking for him before? He wouldn’t have been hard to find. And therein lies the problem with the music industry today. People need to be spoon-fed. It’s mostly Simon Cowell’s fault, but most of western culture’s ills are.
The real problem with this is that a lot of talented new artists are being turfed off their label after only one record if they don’t sell. Due to piracy, spotify blah blah blah, labels are increasingly unwilling to take the risk on an artist’s sound progressing and maturing into something wonderful. It’s do or die on that first record, and if you don’t sell the units you’re done. It’s the old Art vs. Commerce battle, and once again Art is getting its little ass handed to it. Who’s to say that Ben Howard would have got a second album deal if he hadn’t won those Brits? He was selling okay, but would it have been enough?
This is an extremely stupid exercise. Think about the festival headliners of the last decade or so. Green Day’s debut? Tanked. Muse’s? Written off as faux-Radiohead dross. Radiohead’s? Written off as a one track wonder. Arcade Fire’s? Too arty. Kings of Leon’s? Too raw. Look at Biffy Clyro, who are deservedly headlining Reading in a few weeks. They didn’t find any sort of commercial success till their 4th album. Even Blur and Oasis hardly sold any of their first efforts when they emerged. Imagine how much weaker the music world would be if these bands had been dropped. There are exceptions (Arctic Monkey’s, Coldplay and Mumford all found great commercial success with their debuts) but these are getting fewer and fewer. And the worrying thing is there are hardly any potential future headliners out there as most of them won’t get the time to build a body of work before they are tossed on the scrap heap.
Which brings me neatly back to my neighbor and the mass public’s unwillingness to try out something new. We are living in an age where you can get whatever you like with a few shakes of a wand (laptop. Sorry, I’ve been listening to Harry Potter audiobooks today) so for the love of all that is holy put the Ben Howard album down and click on a few of those “Related Artists” options on your Spotify. Broaden your horizons and give new artists your support. Who knows, you could be supporting a future festival headliner. Nothing else would please me more than being woken up by Glen Hansaard or Matt Corby tomorrow morning.
N.B I know this blog is short on analysis of the Hip-Hop and Electronic worlds, but I’m sure the same sort of rules apply. As it probably does with the pop world, but that’s probably a good thing.
July 10, 2013
I turned 27 a few weeks back and was promptly reminded by my older sister that I’d entered the dreaded “late twenties”. Basically, she explained, the next 3 years are just a countdown to turning 30. I generally just shrug these little jibes off. No matter how old I get she’ll always be 5 years older, and I’m pretty happy with my lot. My response was my standard overly harsh joke about her biological clock then *drops microphone. Walks off stage*.
I wrote a blog quite a few years ago about my need to grow up and the fact that I was going about it “kicking and screaming”. Now, in retrospect, I think how goddamn young I was at that point, and I wonder why on earth I was in such a hurry. Something I’ve realised as of late is it isn’t something you can force, growing up. It starts to happen naturally. And that truly is terrifying.
A few years ago when I said “I’m going to get the last tube” what I really meant was “I’m going to check my clock 5 minutes before the last tube goes, figure I can’t be bothered to run and go get another drink instead.” Now, not only am I getting the last tube, I need to get the last tube due to my tiredness/boredom/combination of the 2. There are the odd nights of mayhem, but generally I take no joy in being out till the early hours.
Even at Glastonbury, a readymade excuse to get way too drunk, take illicit, wonderful, mind-altering drugs and dance to anything with a beat till sunrise, I found myself more often then not turning in early. There were late nights, but no seeing seagulls circling in the morning fog and mistaking them for sharks, like in previous years. Mostly I just wanted to rest my feet.
I’m also discovering a broader perspective when it comes to politics and culture. As an angry young man I had a set of idealisms and tastes that I’d stick by regardless of evidence. Nowadays my idealisms and tastes haven’t really changed, but they’ve become sharper and more focused due to me wanting to know the full picture and picking up a goddamn book. Part of me thinks this is because, if a debate was to arise, I’d like to think I now have the extensive knowledge to support my point of view. The other part of me, the one still sporting a lip ring and a Jimmy Eat World T-shirt, thinks I’ve become fucking boring.
I find myself judging people for acting childish. Joey Barton’s tweets don’t annoy me because what he writes is controversial; he is a troll who is looking for a reaction, simple as. What annoys me is he has turned 30 and should really know better by now. Mind you, in the case of footballers, to calculate their mental age I believe you simply half their actual age … Unless they’re a goalkeeper.
It’s beginning to infuriate me when I see people of my age or older on a big night out in fancy dress. We’re not at University anymore, so why the hell are you behaving like we are. But this is hugely hypocritical, as my Facebook cover photo of me dressed as a carrot on a bungee run can attest. So what the hell is my problem?
In the last few years I seem to be going to more and more weddings. Friends are buying houses, having babies and setting themselves up for proper “careers”. On the surface this is all fine with me. As I said earlier, I’m happy with my lot, and I truly couldn’t give a fuck what my friends do, as long as they’re happy. I’m in absolutely no rush. On the other hand perhaps my subconscious has other ideas. It’s either that or my body is just slowing down, which would explain the mental stimulus I now require. If anything that is the most terrifying thought of all
It’s an old cliché that when you’re young you think you’re invincible, but it’s true. Why else do you explain my new routines of regular exercise, healthier eating and striving to drink less alcohol? It’s not just me, either; almost all my friends now do the same. So maybe it’s actually in the pursuit of feeling young that I am acting so old. I sure hope it’s that, and not the subconscious thing, because I am not ready for a hamster, let alone a baby.
June 4, 2013
SPOILER ALERT
It’s been one of those days that crop up every now and then that you wish would never happen. You slump in your chair staring at your computer screen, letting the melancholy and misery wash over you. When you do muster the energy to speak to someone else, you can’t bring yourself to talk about it. It’s just too raw. The sun shines on your back, but you don’t feel it. The chill has planted itself permanently underneath your skin. What makes days like these even rarer are when my feelings of quiet desperation are caused by a TV show.
I’m, of course, talking about Game of Thrones. Specifically “The Rains of Castemere”, which aired last night and is already being touted by critics such as Grace Dent as a seminal piece of television. “I think you’ll always remember where you were when you saw [this episode]” she said on last night’s Sky Atlantic GOT geek fest Thronecast. And how. I think I’ll remember the following hour as well. Sat in the dark. Numb. Feeling that life would never be good again.
For those of you who haven’t seen it, I implore you to look away now. In the episode everyone’s favourite northerner Robb Stark was brutally murdered for a very petty reason. As was his pregnant wife… . And his mother… . . And most of his bannermen… . . And even his wolf (his wolf for fucks sake!) This all happened just as Arya arrived to finally be reunited with the family she hasn’t seen since very early in the first series. It was as graphic as it was completely unexpected, and tweeters around the world totally lost their shit over it. Check out the below twitter feed for a mere sample of what people had to say.
https://twitter.com/RedWeddingTears
It got me thinking, today, with the image of Onna Chapman’s horrified face as the dagger went repeatedly into her pregnant belly, about how rare an occurrence this is in television. When you care that much about the characters that their deaths or demises hit you like you’ve lost a friend in the real world.
I can think of 3 other occasions off the top of my head (and, again, spoiler alert) Twice in The Wire. Firstly, when Bodie is gunned down at the end of Season 4. This was by far the saddest death in The Wire just because, unlike most of the characters, Bodie was just so damn likeable. It was the look on Poot’s face as he tried to encourage Bodie to run that got to me. Cue a day rocking gently in the corner of the bedroom as I tried to hold back the tears.
Secondly was the death of Omar. This has a lot in common with the Red Wedding in GOT, mostly because it was so unexpected. You always assumed Omar would cop it, but you thought it would be in heroic circumstances, perhaps in the manner of Stringer Bell. What you got instead was the most badass character in one of the most badass shows ever being gunned down by a minor whilst buying cigarettes. I felt physically sick.
And finally there was the death of Christopher Moltisanti in The Sopranos. The writers decided to kill him off at the frickin’ start of an episode… And Tony Soprano himself committed the deed! Having survived so much you thought you were safe in assuming Christopher would make it to the end. His death was so benign, so cold, so pointless. It took me days to comprehend it, and I still don’t fully understand it now.
What these four televisual deaths have in common is that they were all commissioned and broadcast on HBO. I’ve written before (along with every other blogger on the internet) about my love of HBO, and I know it can be quite boring. But, as a writer, I love that there are still people out there who are committed to proper, character based drama. All 3 of these shows have a huge ensemble cast. Each character is unique and each have their good points and bad. Some you like more than others, even if you’re not totally sure why, and some of the them are so wonderfully duplicitous that you some times feel like you’ll never work them out (I’m looking at you Bill Rawls, Johnny Sacks and The Hound).
Testament must go out to George R R Martin as well. It takes an awful lot of balls to kill off 3 main characters in one go. And this is apparently just the start. As my girlfriend, who has read all the books, keeps telling me, “Don’t get attached to any of the characters. They will more than likely be killed when you least expect it.” We have been warned.
June 2, 2013
Ed Milliband is a curious fellow. In lengthy interviews with the more highbrow publications he comes across as eloquent, self-assured and does a pretty handy job of explaining his plans for the country if elected in 2 years time. Similarly, whilst on the campaign trail, there are numerous clips of him engaging with the electorate and generally coming off as a good leader. Yet put him in front of a television camera for the mainstream media and he becomes about as self assured and coherent as a league 1 footballer being interviewed after his team has just been relegated. All clichés, one-line sound bites and heavily rehearsed jargon. Here is a little taster.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlTggc0uBA8
Ed’s not alone here. As 24 hour news coverage and social media have become frequently more important within the everyday lives of the electorate, successive spin-doctors have convinced their charges to squeeze in as many sound bites as they can into their interviews and media appearances. The term One-Nation Party, originally coined by Benjamin Disraeli, has now been used by successive opposition parties, and Gordon Brown wouldn’t finish a speech without saying “A future fair for all” on his 2010 campaign trail, though sadly for Big Poppa Brown the campaign will be remembered for another sound bite.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFl_evwML2M
There was one attempted buzzword trend that particularly irked my friends and I. In a speech to the Liberal Democrat spring conference back in 2011 perpetual disappointment machine Nick Clegg tried to launch a campaign in support of “Alarm Clock Britain.” The problem was, it wasn’t really clear who Clegg was referring to.
Did he mean those people who use alarm clocks to get up to go to work? In which case that’s 99% of the employed, which is quite a broad spectrum. Wait, maybe it was a slight on those “feckless benefit scroungers” his government hates so much, they don’t use alarm clocks, do they? Lazy bastards. Wait; don’t they need to collect their ill-gotten gains first thing in the morning? That would usually necessitate the use of an alarm clock? So he’s not having a go at the scroungers. Ah, I know. He’s having a go at the people with a natural body clock! I know just such a person. Sleeps with no curtains and lets the sun wake him up. Works for a semi-public sector company trying the fight the obesity epidemic. Nick Clegg hates him! Natural body clocked fuck! Of course there are those people who don’t start work till 1pm or so due to being underemployed. Surely that sort of wake up time can be achieved without an alarm clock as well? So we’ve established that Nick Clegg wants to support everyone, with the exception of natural wakers (it’s bloody unnatural is what it is) and the part-timers, providing their shifts start in the afternoon. Thank God we straightened that out.
The problem with catch phrase politics is that it hugely underestimates the general public. It’s the same sort of dumbing down that the BBC is accused of (though anyone who has consumed BBC 3/Radio 1 would probably have to agree with the accusations) and the tabloid media revels in. It may be true that attention spans are getting shorter, but it is also true that the public’s thirst for news has got stronger. Why not conduct every interview like it’s for a highbrow publication, Ed? It might stop the tabloids referring to you as Wallace from Wallace and Gromit, and may even prompt the right-wing press to take you seriously as a viable future Prime Minister. Playing it smart doesn’t alienate people, it engages them. Playing it dumb just patronises them.
May 21, 2013
What is a Tumblr? No no no, sunshine, I’m a Blogger man through and through. What do you mean Google bought Blogger? So now it’s not cool? When did Google stop being cool? Should I start using Bing! “ironically” even though it’s totally inferior? What? Rupert Murdoch bought MySpace? But I’ve been using that ironically for years! He sold it again? So, are you saying MySpace is the old new old Facebook? Or is it worth using Google+? Right right right, Google aren’t cool anymore. So for my rambles you say I should use this Tumblr thing? Ad free and unequivocally trendy, to the point of being little douchy you say? I’m in! Sign me up; I’ll start writing next week.
Wait, it’s been sold to who?
I’m terribly confused.
I think I’ll go back to watching re-runs of My Family and try and find a hidden meaning. Is Robert Lindsey’s character representing the excess of Blair’s Labour years, showing that even a man who has it all can still be fucking miserable? Not seeing the wood through the trees, so to speak? Or is it just a bit of frothy teatime fun? The answer will come to me soon. Only six seasons to plough through. Hey! Lindsey’s wife is Madame Hooch from Harry Potter
Yes, you can stop weeping with joy. I’ve taken my unique brand of nonsensical bullshit/liberal propaganda (depending on your sanity) to Tumblr. I might even post some photos occasionally, but generally I’ll just be wittering on about something or other with no particular consistency or forethought. Mind you, having flicked through a few Tumblr pages I am certainly not alone in that. MAN, AM I EXCITED.
N.B. The views of Jon Hatch on the subject of My Family should be taken with a pinch of salt due to him dating the lady who plays the daughter in his mind.
